Becoming Whole
by shadowkitty350
Summary: Katniss and Peeta have finally made it back home, but can they ever get back to normal. ONESHOT Petniss Lemon at the end. Fluff R


**A/N: I own nothing! If I did I'd be awesome! Also I just wanted to explore Katniss and Peeta more right after they came home. It turned out longer than I thought it would though. Sorry. Enjoy! R&R**

So much has changed so fast. When I found myself back in District 12 I never thought I could have things the same. I knew they were going to be so different, but I never knew that I could have some piece of my old life back. After Peeta returned things were different, not the same. I knew that would happen, but I was so satisfied that he was back at all. We were not even close to what we were on the beach or even before the rebellion, but we were together. At first it was awkward, nerve racking and Haymitch was involved for a little too. He would do the best he could for us by watching us together. He was just as nervous as I was about being around Peeta alone. This feeling of fear would always put me into a downward spiral of guilt, after all, this was the boy who had always protected me, always gave everything he had to make me safe. But the memories of 13 always made me cautious around him. I would go hunt and he would paint, more or less. His painting had taken a turn for the worse though, many of the things he painted he would burn or cover the canvas with black when he was done, and I was never allowed to see them. Honestly I was glad, after seeing his first paintings I was so scared of what the new ones would bring. His eyes were still clear and seemed to clear more every day but he still had episodes, when they came I would be just a terrified as him. He would hurt himself just like he did in the Capitol to try and hold on to where we were at. I could see them coming on, something I say or do that would send him into a terrifying frenzy. But he was strong, a lot stronger than me at least.

All these thoughts and memories swirl around in my head as I sit in the woods waiting for some game to run by. I had been getting better at hunting again, letting all that I know fill my head and remembering the times I had with my father out here. I try to steer clear of the memories with Gale, I'm still not ready to face that yet and I know that if I begin down that path then I will have a hard time finding myself back again. I finally opt to just take back the two squirrels I have and maybe I'll get lucky and find something else on the way. My luck was good. Right before I got to the edge of the forest two rabbits ran by and I easily snagged them both. I cleaned my kill and walked back to my house trying to think of what I can cook with these. There was a soft glow coming from inside my house and panic hit me hard. Who was at my house? Peacekeepers? President Snow sitting in my library? Every horrible thing ran through my mind and I also ran back the way I came until I remembered that there were no more peacekeepers or Snow. I fought with my body and suppressed the reaction to run, forcing myself to keep moving forward. My shaking hand reached for the door and I slowly pulled it open. I kept a strong hold onto my bow and was ready to load it if necessary, but then something happened that completely changed everything about what was happening. I was hit with the amazing smell of fresh baked bread, cheese and cinnamon. Peeta was here, Peeta was baking. He hadn't baked in months now and the joy of it overwhelmed me, he was coming back. I dropped everything I was holding, my game bag, my bow, and my quiver in shock. He heard the clatter of things hitting the floor.

"Katniss? Is that you?" He sounded like himself too, his sweet voice that called out to me like a life preserve, and I grabbed hold of it. I quickly walked to the kitchen and there he was, pulling a pan of cheese buns out of the oven and getting ready to put cinnamon rolls in. He looked up at me and his clear blue eyes drew me in, this is something that I had missed even though I didn't realize it myself. His smile illuminated his whole face as he took me in and I felt somewhat self conscious since I was in no doubt a dirty mess from being out in the woods all day.

"So what did you bring for us to eat? And you might want to go and get cleaned up; we're having company over for dinner tonight. I'll get cooking and you get cleaned." He wore a smile as he looked me over and I came up short. Who was there to have over for dinner? Sure there were a few hundred others that came back but Peeta wasn't likely to hunt them down and invite them over. He must have seen the questions in my eyes because he just laughed and shooed me out of the kitchen. He followed me to the front and picked up the game pack to push me up the stairs before he went back to the kitchen to start cooking. I reluctantly went up the stairs to bathe still concerned about who was going to be here. I didn't really like to be surprised and Peeta knew that, or he did at one point, maybe he doesn't remember. I peeled off my clothes and accidently saw me in the mirror, what a mistake. My body looked like an old doll one of the Seam girls would carry, patched and torn and sewn back together again. My scars from the fire were healing but still on the edges were puckered pink shiny lines that screamed my past and the pain from that day. The other scars that the Capitol could get rid of when they turned me back to Basic Zero Beauty seemed less serious compared to these ones, The only other one screaming for my attention was the one on my left forearm when Johanna had dug out my tracker in the second arena. I quickly turned away from the mirror, the memories threatening to pull me under into my depressed stupor I've tried so hard to get out of. I showered quickly and then pulled on some plain clothes that weren't too fancy but still nicer than what I would wear for hunting. I made my way back to the stairs and the smell of the cooking food was so delicious that I almost ran. I was almost in the kitchen when I stopped short because of the voice I heard from in there. I knew that slur anywhere and was surprised to hear it here. Haymitch hadn't been over to visit in weeks, maybe months even. Then I was brought up short again by another voice that was desperately out of place in my kitchen in District 12. I turned the corner to the kitchen and was shocked to see Effie Trinket standing there looking almost human. She had traded in her crazy hair for a natural up-do with her blond hair, got rid of most of the make-up for only a few lines of pink eyeliner and deep pink lipstick, and her heels were slightly smaller than I had seen her in before, but she was still the height of Peeta in them. As I looked her over she turned as saw my evaluation of her.

"Well hello Katniss! What do you think of my new look? I just think it's fabulous. You look well, still a little skinny I see. Peeta here was just telling us how you've caught us an excellent dinner here tonight. I am so happy to see you pet, I've really missed you actually." She blabbed on and on while I just appraised her and slowly walked into the kitchen more. She grabbed me in an embrace and plated a kiss on the top of my head. I smiled at her and held on to her, its strange how I realize that I've actually missed her.

We sit down for a nice dinner and I finally can't contain myself anymore, I blurt out, "Effie, why are you here?" I feel bad because I'm met with a shy smile and timid eyes. I follow her eyes to see she's looking over at Haymitch. I whip my head back and forth that it seems comical almost. Haymitch leans back in his chair and take me in, "Yeah, she's here for me, so don't you get any ideas now, sweetheart." I stop a moment to consider that, and then it dawns on me.

"Effie, are you seeing Haymitch?! As in like dating him?!" I can't hide the shock that comes now, I think back to our first Hunger Games and the total disdain that she had for our mentor. Effie did not seem like a woman who would settle for anyone which made me wonder what Haymitch had done to win her over. My question is replied by a sly smile from Peeta and Effie reaching out to take Haymitch's hand in her own. My mind is blown away and I almost forget about the food on my plate but my gawking must have been too much because Haymitch kicks my chair and keeps eating himself.

When we have finished eating to the point where everyone is full Haymitch and Effie retire back to his house while Peeta stays behind to clean up. I'm so happy for them but I know the happiness won't keep the nightmares away. Peeta has been back for a few months now and he hasn't stayed with me once. I always want him to stay but can never try and ask him to. He is washing the dishes by hand and I walk up with a towel to dry them. We don't say anything for a long time while we clean; finally I look up to break the silence to find Peeta is already looking at me. He looks at my face long and hard and I wonder what he sees, a poor broken girl that lost so much? A strong Mockingjay that changed the world? A terrible Capitol mutt set to hurt him? I can never know but it's almost as if he can read my thoughts, or the pain in my eyes.

"Katniss, I'm so sorry." This catches me off guard, what on earth does he have to be sorry about? He has saved me so many times and even knows he's fighting to save me still. He keeps on talking when I don't say anything. "I'm sorry for what I did back in 13, I'm sorry for what I said about you, I have no idea what I was thinking, other than I wasn't thinking…I can never make those times right, but I'll try to. I'll be here for you like I should've been all along. I'll fight for you." I have no idea what to say, I was so caught off guard, the intensity in his eyes makes me almost scared, then I feel guilty because I know in this moment he won't hurt me. His eyes are the clearest I've seen them since before the first Games. I drop the dish in my hand and wrap my arms around his middle. Tears silently roll down my face, I knew I missed this, but the longing I felt in the pit of my stomach now was overwhelming. He pulled me back and saw the tears in my eyes. "I knew that this will be hard for you, I can't expect for you to forgive me for everything that happened in 13 and I can't be so close to you when I still have the flashbacks from the venom, but I will work my way back to you. I swear I'll fight for you Katniss, it's in moments like this when I know what is true and what's not I'll fight." I could see his eyes looking past me now, they were remembering that time in 13 and his eyes were getting clouded. I knew this look, I was scared, and I felt the bile rising in my throat. His grip started to tighten around me as he brought his hands to my upper arms. I fought against him for a second and found myself falling backwards fast. Peeta had pushed me back, I thought that this was his first attack on me but he turned his back to me and began to dig his nails into his wrists. He still had scars from the handcuffs from the Capitol trip and his nails dug into the puffy scars breaking them open again. I stayed on my rear on the floor watching him. I knew that I should try to get away before he turned on me, but for some reason I forgot how to use my legs, I just sat there watching in shock. He had been fine a minute ago, he was telling how he wanted to be with me again, he was hugging me, he was back, and he was my Peeta again. He slumped to his knees still digging into his own wrists, a drop of blood fell onto the clean floor and then his whole body slumped to the floor. He was panting and he slowly let go on his wrists that were completely blood smeared now. I slowly rose to my feet and walked over to him, I placed a hand on his shoulder and he shuddered under my touch pulling away from me. I still pulled him closer until he was facing me finally. There were tears in his eyes and he wouldn't meet my gaze. I stroked his face as we both cried silently. We were so broken, both of us. Even when we were trying to rebuild a life together the piece were so fragile and fell apart so easily. I finally pulled myself up from the floor and got a warm wet towel and began to clean Peeta's wounds. He sat there silently still looking at the floor, refusing to look at me. I finally was done and cleaned up the floor some and pulled him up. He kept his eyes fixed on the floor the whole time. He finally looked up at me right before he turned for my front door.

"Peeta!" I screamed his name and ran for him. He turned with a fresh wave of tears hitting me. I wrapped my arms around his arm and held on tight. Even with how broken I was I still felt safe with him. He turned and patted my hair but tried to loosen his arm from my grip. "Please Peeta, stay with me. Please. Don't leave me again, just stay." I cried into his arm as I held on tighter. It was the first time since we were back that I asked him. Even after his episode, even after my fear, I still wanted him here and I still needed him to protect me.

"Katniss, I can't guarantee that I won't do anything again. You saw how quickly that came on. I could serious hurt you and now I have enough sense to know I wouldn't be able to live with that. I couldn't be able to live with knowing I hurt you. It kills me to know that I've done such terrible things before. I can think clearly now but I don't know how long that will last." His eyes went down again. I kept myself glued to him and didn't ease up even at his words. "I need you Peeta. Stay with me."

"Always." He said with s slight smile in his voice. The exchange reminded us of a time long ago when we were back from our Victory Tour, before the Quarter Quell, before the rebellion, before we had lost each other. Peeta picked me up and carried me up the stairs to my room. I clung onto his shirt as he laid me down in my bed, I didn't want him to leave because he felt guilty about what happened. After all, he didn't hurt me and there were plenty of times when I'd hurt him. My mind races through everything. Had it really only been two years since the first Hunger Games? I thought about everything that happened. The Games, Peeta's injured leg, my attempt to save Rue that failed, The Victory Tour, Peeta proposing for Caesar Flickerman, finding out about the Quarter Quell and knowing that I was going back, the mist in the arena, Finnick, Johanna, Mags, Beetee, me shooting my arrow in the chink in the armor and blowing the arena, When I first saw Gale again, finding out District 12 was gone, Me becoming the Mockingjay, Coin and her plans, seeing District 8, Going through the Capitol, watching everyone die, Boggs, Mitchell, Finnick and the mutts getting him, In the cellar of the fur store, Gale's eyes calling me to kill him as the peacekeepers pull him into the building, the explosions all the children dying, then she's there. Prim, my sweet baby sister Prim, I can feel myself on the edge, I feel myself slipping away into the depression. I fall asleep seeing her cry out to me as the flames engulf her. Then I'm there, burning, the burning is so hot as the fire peels away my flesh, I hear Snow's laughter as I burn. Prim is reaching for me and I finally reach her but she turns into flames, burning and crying as I fail to reach her in time. I am engulfed in the fire too when I wake screaming. Peeta's arms wrap around me and he whispers in my ear while stroking my hair calming me. It feels so good to be in his arms again, to be able to press my body against him so he can chase the dreams away. And for a split second I'm scared he's going to disappear too, I pull myself closer to him and grasp him as hard as I can. He is still cautious with me and I can feel it in his touch. I just long for things to be the way they were before, I know that this is silly and it will take time, but now time is something that we have. Peeta lays me back down and I slide on his chest so I'm more on him than on the bed. He doesn't refuse but I know he is still wary of having me so close to him. I grasp his hand and wrap his arms around me tighter. "Peeta, I need you." The tears fall again and I realize this is how he sees me so often, a crying mess. His lips briefly brush the top of my head for an answer and I drift back off to sleep again. So much has happened today, Peeta and I were closer than we have been in months and his kiss on my head was the first kiss of any kind that we've had in so long. It's like my own personal lullaby and the rest of the night is a dreamless peaceful sleep which is another first in months.

We continue on like that for weeks, and then the weeks turn into months. My life has a meaning again, I hunt more and Peeta bakes more. We have a routine which helps us both. I am actually happy, something I never thought would happen again, and Peeta has fewer and fewer episodes. He is beginning to trust himself again and his eyes are clear and sure of his love for me. I feel just like I did on the beach that day so many months ago. Peeta still asks sometimes about if something is real or not, but that is becoming hardly ever anymore. One day when we are working on our book for all those lost in the rebellion I look up to see Peeta staring at me.

"What?" I didn't think I was doing anything out of the ordinary. I was finally relaxed.

"You don't like my paintings, real or not real?" This catches me off guard because it was my idea to have him draw everything in our book and I tell him all the time how I love them all so much.

"I didn't like the ones from the first arena, they brought back memories I didn't want to have and they scared me. These that you do," I wave my hand towards the drawings from the book and scattered across our work space, "I love. They give justice to our friends, our families, our comrades even." I look over the pages he's drawn and see pictures of Prim and of Peeta's brothers and the smile on Boggs face. He's drawings are so neat and detailed it's almost like an actually picture from a broadcast. He still looks at me hard and I'm beginning to feel self conscious. Finally I give in and meet his eyes again.

"What? I really do like them." Then suddenly and without warning he's up and coming at me, for a moment I want to run, get far away and flee from him, but there is something in his eyes. There are clear and crystal blue. Any thought I had to run was too late because before I can register what is happening his lips are on mine. There is such intensity in his kiss that I completely forget everything. I'm so wrapped up in him that I don't know what I was doing before and I love it. There is a growing need in the pit of my stomach and Peeta is filling it. He's concentrated and powerful with his mouth against mine and I feel a craving for more. I am swept back to the time on the beach where his kisses meant something and how I felt then, I know that this is real and I need him more now than ever. My hands come together behind his head and pull him close to me and his hands tangle in my hair. This Peeta is passionate and focused. This Peeta should come out more often. He breaks away breathing heavy and ragged. He looks me in my eyes and smiles. This is the first real kiss we share for us. This is us coming back together and this is our love.

"Sorry Katniss, I just couldn't help myself anymore." He looks down with a crooked smile on his face and he seems so happy, so innocent and care-free. But for some reason I'm not satisfied. I want more now and this may be as good of time as ever.

"Peeta, don't be sorry. Just do it again." I take a step at him to meet his confused eyes, and then they glaze over with love and lust and desire. Or what I assume to be. I never have had much experience in this and Peeta is really the only one I've had this feeling for. Maybe if things had been different I would be in this situation with Gale, but honestly I didn't want Gale, I wanted Peeta, all of him and all right now. Our lips met again in a hot passion that neither of us were ready for. I grabbed his hair for support and he held on to my hips hard. He touch was never too hard and when I wanted him to hold tighter he did. I began to lose my balance and I was afraid to fall over on top of our work for a split second, this moment gave me a new and devious idea. An idea I loved but feared. I contemplated for about half of a second before my hormones and desires won over. I began to push Peeta out of the room and towards the stairs. He either already had this thought or caught up with me very quickly. He lifted me up and turned us so he was walking up the stairs while carrying me. To say we were graceful would've been a complete lie. He tripped a few times and I almost fell over but through all the kisses and walking we finally made it to my bedroom. I fell on my bed and he towered over me. I was giggling like a small school girl at our antics and came up short when I saw his hesitation. He stayed standing at the end of the bed and looked down not wanting to meet my gaze.

"Peeta, what's the matter?" I was terrified of the rejection, that somewhere I had miscalculated and that he was about to make a mad dash for the door. I didn't want him to leave me on this bed alone exposed and vulnerable. Finally he let out a small sigh and looked up at me.

"Katniss, I…well I don't think I can control myself right now. I've never loved anyone else other than you and I've dreamt about something like this happening so many times, but I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from doing anything. I don't want you to regret doing something." I felt guilty for not even thinking of this predicament, I wouldn't have stopped either if he hadn't ruined the moment. We'd still be right where we were. I slowly chewed on my now kiss swollen lip and I thought it over. Then it hit me.

"Peeta, I don't want to stop. I'm not going to regret anything because really all I want is to be with you. Forever and be happy. Peeta this _is_ what I want. I want you to have all of me and every part of me. And well, I want all of you too." My voice dropped off at the end and my eyes lowered embarrassed. Soon I felt a pressure on the bed and then his hand was under my chin. He lifted my eyes to see his and without a word he lowered his lips on to mine again. This wasn't as fierce as before, this was sweeter, gentle. A touch that I had craved for months now, soon my hands began to explore his body. I felt his tight arms and broad shoulders and ran my hands down his back. He was healthy again and strong. My stronghold that was sacred. I pulled his shirt off and drew planes on his chest and lowered my hand down to his pants. I was surprised to have them so tight and then I blushed scarlet red when I realized what was happening to my boy with the bread. I didn't want to chicken out now though so I pulled them down leaving Peeta in nothing but his underwear. He blushed too when I took his pants off and held himself up over me to try and held get them off all the way. We were clumsy and awkward but I tried not to think about it. Peeta's rough hands stroked my flat stomach and his hand went up on my body. He began to lift my shirt over my head and I froze. The self conscious feeling was creeping up again as I thought about my naked body in front of his eyes. Peeta must have picked up on my thoughts because he started to kiss my stomach and then moved his way up my body kissing each one of my scars until he had finally worked my shirt over my head. I lay there and didn't meet his eyes.

"Katniss, you look beautiful." He assured me and began to cover my body with kisses again. He worked up my body and down and I sighed in pleasure and delight was his lips raked against my fresh skin. He pulled my pants down and off with little trouble and soon was over me again. He looked me very point in the eyes until I would meet his stare.

"Are you sure you want to do this? Just so you know I've never done anything like this before and I don't really know what to expect." He blushed slightly at the end and looked down. I was so nervous and scared I didn't want to speak in fear that my voice would shake and give me away. Instead in response I took off my breast bindings and pulled my underwear down and off all the way. Then I was just there, I had become totally vulnerable and open to him. I bared all and I was relived. Peeta's eyes looked over my whole body and while I wanted to hide I fought it because the look in his eyes made me feel like I was worth something. He looked at me like he was looking at the most precious thing in all of Panem. Slowly and awkwardly Peeta pulled his underwear down. I let out a small gasp when I saw his manhood. I had seen glimpse of him naked before but nothing like this, so intimate and up close. This was a whole new side of him. Slowly he positioned himself over me and my entrance. My body had a strange reaction while I waited for him and suddenly I couldn't wait anymore. I grabbed him around his neck and pulled him down on me, he guided himself inside and I let out a sharp gasp as he penetrated me for the first time ever. The tearing was almost too much and tears began to fill my eyes. This is not what I thought it would be. Peeta looked at my face and quickly jumped off of me.

"Katniss! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, God I'm such an idiot!" He brushed my hair back from my head and apologized over and over again.

"Peeta, stop. It's ok. I knew it would hurt at first, please. Can we try again?" I had heard girls talk about the brief pain and then the wonderful sensation afterwards and if this small pinch was all it took to make Peeta wholly mine then I would tough it up. I was no stranger to pain and this wouldn't last long. He reluctantly got back on the bed and positioned himself over me again. I could tell he was about to rethink it again so before he could talk I pulled him down on me and crushed my lips on his. I moved my hips to meet him and he was inside of me again. This time it didn't hurt so badly and I could feel the warmth beginning to rise inside me. Peeta took a few short thrust at me until he finally found a rhythm to keep and he slowly pulled his head back up, he used both arms to steady himself and I pulled my legs around his waist and anchor myself onto him. Consequently this did wonderful things to my insides and it felt even better. I could feel Peeta losing himself in me and soon all kissing stopped. He thrust again and again and I felt a tingle inside me work its way down until I erupted in euphoria. Peeta collapsed on me a second later and I laughed at his exhausted features. He had a thin sheet of sweat on him and his back felt clammy. I knew I felt the same way and I loved it. We laid next to each other until I couldn't handle to separation anymore. I half climbed on him so we were closer and laid my head on his chest. I felt my head move up and down with his rapid breathing and closed my eyes. This is what I've needed. For the first time in a long long time I felt safe and whole. There was no threat of the depression pulling me under tonight and I dozed off in bliss. Peeta and I stayed wrapped up in each other that night with our naked bodies intertwined. We would sometimes wake up at the same time and try new things. I was on top of him once and he tried to last longer. That night was full of passion and love. We were finally together. We were finally whole. We came together with our two broken halves and made something whole and new again.

In the morning I woke up to find Peeta already awake looking at me. He kissed my nose and smiled. I couldn't help but be happy despite the sore and ache in my muscles. I held on to him and he gave me a devilish grin.

"You want us to do it again. Real or not real?" I laughed out loud and playfully hit him on his chest.

"After last night I think it's you who wants to do it again!" He shrugged and I mocked hurt. "Well, I may want to do it again." We laughed and kissed and he became very serious instantaneously.

"You love me. Real or not real?" I thought about everything we went through and how we had come so far in such a few months. How no matter what I had always had him and how we grew together. I sat up on my elbow and looked him straight in the eyes. I kissed him long and passionately.

"Real."


End file.
